Beaudacious' transition to Beaudhisattva

The status of the Family was in a state of uncertainty. Not between Beaudacious, Tuesday, Blue and I but with R-- and thus in this location. This was climaxing the 3 weeks or so prior to Beau's transition. During those weeks lots was happening...each instance now holding its own significance. These are some of those instances over those weeks.

Beau (at the age of 32) was having bought's of heavier breathing and signs of needing deeper rest. He did not lay down any where near as much as my mare Tuesday (27 years old) in general and maybe not even at all in the last few months. It was rare to catch site or signs of him laying down over the last several months...why? Did he know that if he went into a deep sleep it may be his last? If so was he not ready to pass? He rolled all the time so there were no structural body issues preventing him from doing so. He was doing more frequent standing rest which now was including some falling into such a deep rest he would seemingly start going into R.E.M. but being he was in the standing position he would twitch his head and body back to a shallower standing sleep. This was a recent change. He was also doing back stretches after being in these states. This too was new.

Beaudacious was also keeping Tuesday much closer than usual, driving and choosing where she went to keep her with him. He was choosing to be closer to me too. Often just wanting to stand next to me. I was getting increasingly better over the last year and 4 months they were finally home regarding me resisting my urge (either consciously or unconsciously) to physically touch him which he allowed less and less over this time. I want to add context to this. I could touch Beaudacious but not without permission from him and Beaudacious would ask me or R-- for touch when he wanted or needed it.

I could force compliance to touch but not without oppressive actions by me and detriment to our newly evolved relationship or without a halter and I was exploring our relationship at liberty as much as possible. I could touch him at liberty with him accepting my touch but again not without permission or without a portion of the elements of time, patience, frustration, compromise and battling will for either or both of us. When he did choose to stand or hang near me and if I wasn't conscious of my greedy desire to physically touch him my action would either tarnish or delay the authentic mutual desire for closeness. When I failed to be conscious of asking permission he would give me an appropriate and needed reminder. I would apologize and say "I'm sorry why do I keep doing that?" Beau would stay with forgiveness. Why was it currently this way?.... Did he like closeness but not at the risk of showing vulnerability? Now that he knew I was truly listening to him did he decide to use his voice and share his full throated opinion more? Was he trying to teach me a different way of being close or appreciating closeness? Was he making sure right up until the very end that I would not forget the valuable lesson he knew I had been evolving into embodying over recent years regarding him, Tuesday and all horses?...This is my body and my spirit's vessel and I want agency and voice and choice in regards to it now and throughout my life! In one of the instances days before his passing in mutually desired closeness I just stood there beside his head slightly crouched and said " I love you, I love you, I love you" over and over again.

Monday 2/21/22 we had a visit from R--'s aunt and uncle. They were in the area and wanted to swing by to see us, the continuing changes to the property and see the horses. They had appreciated the peace and wonder the horses here in nature created during their last visit. The horses had just had their mid day feeding and were standing farther off while the four of us humans chatted and my beloved dog Blue was doing his dog things among and around their paddock. They were standing farther off initially, then went to the water trough then they eventually made their way back up to the hay basket close to where we were. R--'s uncle and I went to the other side of their hay basket where I began a significant telling and he snapped this photo...

I'm not even sure how it started but I began sharing an abbreviated version of my personal evolution over the last 6 years regarding what it now meant personally for me to actually be in a connected relationship with horses and how lucky I was to now feel the difference of BEING TOGETHER. I told R--'s uncle I was grateful that I had come to this realization about horses and how blessed it felt that Beaudacious and Tuesday had made it home to me and we now have time together to explore what it meant to be in a mutually connected and attuned relationship.

Past experiences had shifted me in such a way that there was no 'going back' without a great deal of suffering for me. I had quit my job 7 months earlier. You cannot unsee something or someone....You cannot unfeel something or someone...and ignoring or disregarding someone I was not capable or interested in trying to do. It wasn't until working over 40 hours a week at a therapeutic riding center I had been previously employed with and in spending that much time with those horses (all of whom I always carry with me) in all aspects of their lives within the context of us humans and at that center that I began to realize that they were oppressed sentient beings and I had been one of the oppressors. I had intimately helped care for the herd there. I was part of many aspects of their lives. This even included being a part of making choices in regards to all of the variances of their lives...their work life, their off time, their herd members, their living spaces, which humans and how humans could interact with them, their bodies and physical health, what and where they ate and drank and moved freely or when they were required to move and their emotional well being. Partaking in and being witness to their "work" lives became the most pivotal. I was an animal lover out of the womb. I am compassionate and empathetic. These decisions and level of involvement I had in and with their lives greatly impacted who I am today. As I spent more and more time with the horses there (more intimate and varying everyday time than I had spent with Beaudacious and Tuesday at this point in our lives) I began to better understand them as radically unique individuals and thus better understand all horses as the sentient beings they are in a whole new way. I started to recognize each of their likes and dislikes, their idiosyncrasies, their herd dynamics and changes there in. Who they were bonded with or would like to get to know better. Who or what caused them struggle or stress. It pained me to disrupt their lay down time, or interrupt a mutual groom because they needed to come in for programming. I didn't understand how keeping a horse in a stall for up to 12 hours because of programming wasn't detrimental to their well being especially as they watched herd members get turned out ahead of them. It seemed inconsiderate and down right rude to expect a horse who was in a lesson to have to wait to eat and even be expected to not get upset about it while the rest of the herd was getting a meal. I recognized and acknowledged their feelings and actively tried to help whenever and wherever possible. I tried to be a buffer for them and an awareness bridge between them and the other humans. I tried to greatly improve their off time and improve their living spaces so they could be provided more balance, rest and nurturing. I started using my title, my voice, my heart, my body, my energy and shared what I was seeing and shared their feelings with other humans in their world. Whether it was at the least to just create a more empathetic atmosphere and heightened awareness by the other humans for them during all the small moments and interactions for the herd during their day to day life or to advocate and create change on a large scale. After all we were a "therapeutic center" and we constantly repeated how the relationship between human and horse is about "partnership". I did not find any of this to be true most prominently in the heavily focused riding programming. I began to feel the horses work lives were lives of oppression and forced compliance. We were using them at a cost to their physical and emotional bodies while expecting them to help the humans with their physical and emotional bodies. This was not a symbiotic relationship. I had no choice but to leave. I was getting undermined and was under valued, my work role was being forced into compliance, my energy and my body were being used, my voice fell on deaf ears, my heart was disregarded. My feelings ignored. These parallel's created a deepening of my empathy. This decision was excruciating for me because I left 18 very special pieces of my heart there. Please recognize here that I was able to make this decision for myself. The horses did not have this choice. Here I would like to thank and honor those horses for recognizing that I was listening and continuing to trust me enough to use their voices, tell me their feelings and show me what was bothering their bodies. I want to thank them for their patience in all my fumbling attempts. They knew I was trying, listening and that I truly cared. They know I tried and did make their lives better. They know I carry them with me, they know I loved them and that there are humans that see them for who they are and that very importantly I am still trying to make their lives better developing a clearer voice, a more focused purpose and continuing to serve the "collective herd". There is a way for humans to benefit therapeutically from being with horses that is equally nourishing for both. This is not what was being perpetuated here and quite frankly is likely not happening within most of the Therapeutic Horse industry never mind the conventional horse industry.

The weeks leading up to Beau's transition came with some very tricky winter weather. There had been lots of precipitation and big temperature swings which turned into a very dangerous ice situation. During this time Beau was taking much longer turns at the water trough. Beau was the leader of the 2 horse herd so Tuesday sometimes had to wait her turn or had to continue to sweetly and cautiously make her attempt to drink. When he would say "not yet" the ice and her movement related body issues made her retreat precarious but because he was also now keeping her much closer she may not even get her turn! This old and new dynamic between them was compounded because of the treacherous ice. I had to make a decision whether to insert myself into their relationship. I did. I also highlighted this to R-- so he could provide verbal and physical consistency in the case of my absence. This insertion only needed to happen less than a handful of times in a couple of ways. I would talk to Beau about Tuesday's need to drink too. When he had finished getting a drink and was just hovering I would verbally ask him to make enough space for her. Sometimes he would sometimes he wouldn't. I once or twice placed a lead rope over his neck and just asked him to take a couple of steps opening up space for Tuesday while letting her know it was now ok. The last week in particular Beaudacious was sharing better. Tuesday was more frequently deeper into the run-in shed, they were drinking at the same time or Beau would stand off to the side rather than hover over the water trough when he was finished. There was less movement around the hay basket for a better spot. They were eating more peacefully from the two hay nets I would hang under the edge of the roof at the back of the shed during wet weather...why? Was this better sharing because his time was near? Was this because he had a better understanding of sharing resources because of my intervention? Was it because he realized Tuesday's needs were important too? Was he modeling behavior for the benefit of mine and R--'s relationship?

A few days prior R-- and I had had another big discussion regarding Family and what that means. During these weeks of climaxing uncertainty I had repeatedly said to the horses but particularly Beau "We are going to be ok. I am not going anywhere. We will be together no matter what...You Tuesday Blue and I. I got this I will figure it out" I was trying to be reassuring of energy shifts I was sure they were picking up on and any concerns this may have had on them and Beau specifically. I wanted to take the load off Beau he might have been feeling as our leader. This repeated speaking took a new level of significance on

Tuesday 2/22/22. R--, Blue and I were up with the horses pre-dusk as this is always one of my longer checkin and hangout times with them...during the last daylight of each day. Us humans were in the run-in where Beau decided to join us leaving Tuesday out of his sight which was unusual. R-- and I moved our bodies offering Beau his choice of space. He stood facing out with the right side of his body along the side wall. I was in the middle. R-- was on the left side wall. Beau was chillin. Relaxed, yawning, hanging out. Blue even walked in with no changes to Beau's energy even though Blue was in the corner directly behind Beau smelling out feed remnants from a previous meal I had served in there during one of the recent storms. The tone was clearly peaceful and light....more yawning from Beau. After a few moments which Beau and I were thoroughly enjoying R-- said he was going to head back down to the house. I said "Really?...are you sure? Beau is so into hanging with all of us right now!" He wanted to run a quick errand. I was disheartened but said no more. As soon as he had made it a few steps toward the house out of the run-in Beau walked right out after him and took a few steps in the same direction then stopped and watched after him intently prompting me to say more. "See! Beau wants you to hang out!" R-- turned and glanced and continued on. Beau stood at fixed ears attention and watched R-- continue on for what felt like an eternity but was probably only 1-2 minutes max. This was so significant I again spoke a version of my repeated saying "Don't worry Beau. I'm not going anywhere. You Tuesday Blue and I will be together no matter what". When Beau walked on to join Tuesday I texted R-- saying "Beau just finally stopped looking for you...he wanted you to hang. That was crystal clear." Was this a gift of "seeing" for me from Beau that my concerns of Family should definitely only concern him, Tues, Blue and I and that R-- had made his choice? Was this validation that R-- did not recognize or if did place the same value I do in regards to this family? Was this Beaudacious' way of saying "Hey R-- where are you going you should be here! I thought we were all hanging out?!" This was significant and further validating for me that Beaudacious had a lot to share about and to R--. So much so that when Beaudacious had moved on to join up with Tuesday I made a phone call I had been considering making the last weeks/months. I left a voice mail with an acquaintance of mine. A psychotherapist specializing in divorce and relationships who is also a certified mental health specialist with Eagala. I asked if she would consider doing a session with R-- and I among the horses here at home. When I got back down to the house R-- was just pulling back in the driveway from running his errand. I said to him "You don't think Beau sharing better has anything to do with us?" There was not much of a response. I had actually told R-- a handful of times over the past few weeks/months "You should hang out with Beaudacious more and talk to him. Share with him what you are thinking or feeling. I think he has a lot to say in regards to you and us."

Friday 2/25/22 The day of Beaudacious' passing started with the end of an overnight light snowy rain still lingering into a morning drizzle then mist. The horses came over with their sheets on for breakfast seemingly fine. They joined me in the run-in shed when finished where I was sipping on my coffee. Here I noticed Beau had a slight shiver. This surprised me because there had not been much precipitation, it had not been very cold, no temperature changing wind, they had lightly insulated rain sheets on, always had access to hay and they had just ate. There had been overnight manure from both. I checked to see if he was wet under his sheet... he wasn't. I took his sheet off and put his cooler on to hopefully let his hair fuzz up better without the sheet. He had those longer Cushing's hairs but was also losing his winter coat at this point. Here I made a decision to break a previous rule of mine. I am going to put hay IN the run-in shed. This was something I had decided to stop doing shortly after Beau and Tues came home. Beau definitely resource guarded which although there were 2 spots to hang nets from in the run-in shed this often left Tuesday concerned, on the outskirts or "on edge". I never wanted her access to the run-in shed to be diminished. I placed some hay on the floor for them both. They began munching and there was no resource guarding. Beau's shiver subsided. I began my manure pick up and when finished called my mom and chatted for a while as I drank my coffee and kept an eye on them. I spent my normal close to 2 hours hanging out after feeding. Doing chores, checking in with the horses, enjoying the peaceful morning time. The horses were resting in the shed still. Beau still had no shiver. I headed down to the house. R-- Blue and I headed back up less than 2 hours later. Beau had a slight shiver again but he had pooped so I was not thinking colic. What I was thinking was UGH these crazy weather swings and because of Beau's Cushing's he was having trouble regulating his body temperature. We were finally totally out of the dangerous ice situation, the daylight had been increasing for 2 months now and the overall temps were slowly but surely increasing however the precipitation and temperature fluxes were still to be significantly considered in caring for Beaudacious and Tuesday. I decided to make a much smaller version of their mid-day feed a little early with some added electrolytes and brought Blue back down to the house. They both came over to their feeding area, ate, they lingered in the general area a bit, Beau peed, they headed over to the water trough. Beau was not ok. I got his halter and R-- and I with Tuesday following headed back to the run-in. We took off his cooler to check for sweat. None. We put his heavier weight blanket on. I called the vet to let them know what had been happening, see what their day was like in reference to how busy, if they were in my area, which vet would be coming and in regards to determining if it was an emergency. We discussed Banamine amount and that he had had his Prascend with breakfast but not his Equioxx yet. I went down to the house to get the Banamine. Although I have, with someone more experienced, given injections, they were not in my comfort zone but oral syringe meds certainly were.

Beaudacious has always said "no thanks!" to syringe oral meds and wormers but we have managed to get through it together over the years always acknowledging his feelings about it throughout. I drew up the dosage on the ledge in the run-in and turned and took maybe two steps towards him with R-- holding with slack his lead rope. I'm not sure I had even raised my arm yet to put a hand on his halter...His eyes and face changed and his voice and body said "hell no i'm outta here". I said to R-- "let him go." I share out loud that I was not about to get Beau worked up physically and emotionally or disregard his voice in this already stressful situation. The feeling of an inevitable situation took hold. I did not want interactions between Beau and I to be anything but present, close, honoring of voice and calm... easier said than done. I called the vet back and said just come it's an emergency. R-- left to go clear the couple of inches of wet snow from the driveway. Beaudacious and I with Tuesday on the scene waited and walked with increasing discomfort for him. I spoke with my twin and asked her to call Mom ( Beaudacious was technically my mom's horse). I told her I wouldn't be answering calls or texting and to tell Mom that and let her know to just come if she wanted and that I would call when I could. All the tell tale signs of colic started to show one after another. He did not want to stand. He wanted to walk. He started "pawing" at the ground. He wanted to go down. I didn't let him at first because I didn't want him to start rolling and what was piercing was what if his will is stronger than mine and what if he won't be willing to get back up. The simultaneous opposing thought was also in my head..."sometimes colic-y horses will lay down quietly and not roll which is ok to let them do". Beau was strong. I let him go down the next time he tried. He wanted to roll. I told him to get up. He did. My worry remained and my stoic dread increased. I tried to keep it all together, presence, attention, care, necessity, emotions, Tuesday, awareness that this wasn't good, these may be our last moments with Beau. Honor, love, respect, praying, pleading.

I've seen the vet standard of care for colicing horses. Unfortunately I've seen this work less than half of the time. I've seen horses go through this violating procedure whether necessary or not with fear, stress and great discomfort. In recent weeks I had told two friends of mine..."Beaudacious hates medical procedures". One of them replied "Yup! He wants agency throughout!" The vet and assistant arrived with R-- who had driven them up to the paddock in the side-by-side. She took his temperature, administered some immediately beneficial drugs and then began the rectal exam. I had managed to keep it together enough to remain an advocate and voice for Beau. Tubing would have been the next step. I wasn't going to let that happen unless I knew it would save his life. I didn't. She discussed with me instead doing an ultrasound which may provide more conclusive information with less of a procedure. I agreed and because of the drugs Beau was in a calmer seemingly more comfortable state. The ultrasound showed fluid trapped in his gut. My mom had arrived. R-- was standing with Tuesday. The vet suspected strangulating lipoma as the cause of colic. Surgery is the only option which (regardless of money) wasn't an option. Knowing. We all walked to a more appropriate spot. It was time.

A few weeks earlier R--, Blue and I had gone over to one his friends home and property in town. He has had horses over the decades and currently had 2 donkey's and a few family dogs. We brought him some hay that Beau and Tues were not interested in because of a rough previous local hay season. I had to buy western hay for the last few months. Blue and the latest addition to his canine pack were racing around having a ball. Somehow the conversation of burying horses came up between R-- and his friend. I listened intently. Options for burying horses at home were tricky but it was certainly my preference even though I had researched and decided on a company for removal in case. This conversation they had created the shift needed for home burial.

Beaudacious's spirit had now passed out of his body. R-- sprung to action.

I want to take this time to thank R--. There is not a man or person I have meet in my life so far that I would rather have by my side when the physical, natural or structural "going get's tough". R-- is a master of figuring, engineering, rigging, building, and executing the mechanics of living and surviving the elements on these parts of the planet we've called home the last 9 years. R-- provided almost complete physical safety for all of us here.

I hadn't left Beau's side for hours. Everything I had now went to Tuesday.

She was startled by the physical drop of his body. It was the fastest I had ever witnessed. He literally went from standing on 4 hooves to laying on his side. The vet even blurted out "wow he was ready to go". I found comfort in that statement. Tuesday had quickly begun looking about, nothing too intense at first but that soon changed. She began to call...that distressed gut wrenching full body call of "where are you?" His body was there. She could see it. She had walked right past it. She had checked it out. She called and called and called. It became so clear in this heart breaking witnessing that their true connection was not their bodies, it was their spirits. She was calling to his spirit.

Tuesday continued the calling and physical searching for a bit. She settled in her movement eventually but the calling although less frequent continued. We just stood together. In one of these first more settled moments we were standing face to face. We had both been so preoccupied up until this point in the aftermath of the drastic change of our lives quiet reality had taken time to arrive. We were looking at each other and I said " I know you are going to miss him. I'm going to miss him too. I'm so sorry". As I spoke these words I watched a tear well up in the corner of her left eye and then fall down her face. We stayed together for hours. There was no where else I wanted to be. She allowed me and seemed to take comfort in gently caressing or lightly massaging her hind end under the tail flap of her blanket which she usually objected to when she had a blanket on. The calling still continued but was gradually decreasing in frequency and intensity. She had barely picked at hay for all these hours before and after Beau's transition. She had not had her normal late morning lay down nap. She ate her supper. I moved hay nets in to the run-in shed. From here she could see the neighbors 2 horses who had answered her initial calls. Thank goodness for them. We stayed together trying to come to terms with the absence of Beau. We leaned on each other. We shared our feelings. We tapped into our resiliency and we grieved. She ate some hay. She periodically called. She shook her head in a "crankiness" sort of way I didn't understand at first but then she did an identical backstretch to the ones Beau had recently been doing...she needed to lay down. She was exhausted. I was exhausted. I left for an hour or possibly two max to force some food into myself. I can't remember if I even bothered to shower. I had been in my coveralls for over 12 hours. I did a final late night/early morning hang with her. I was worried she would not do her normal lay down overnight. Beau provided that physical security for her.

I went up early at winter day break. She ate her breakfast. She let me take her blanket off without any objections at liberty which was almost never the case. She is not a fan of the whole blanketing process. The sun was out and providing warmth and calm. She started walking over to the gravesite for the first time...that I had witnessed anyway. I followed her lead. We stayed.

That morning she was still exhibiting the "crankiness" head tossing behavior. She needed to lay down. The natural and spiritual world had gifted us with a calm sunny late winter day. R--, Blue and I still exhausted with our new reality hung out with Tuesday. Blue helped by showing her some of what she needed which resonated with Tuesday.

I pointed out to R-- the head tossing and said she needs to lay down. I stated if we all just stayed maybe we could give the support whether emotional, physical or both and create the security and energy she needed. The natural and spiritual world were already providing its support. The support I asked for and she needed was meet. The grace was given.